Saturday 04 / May / 2024
Our world is becoming increasingly self-absorbed and materialistic. No doubt as parents we end up giving our children too much too soon and this starts as early as infancy. According to Dr Connie Dawson, co-author of How Much is Enough?: “When parents give children too much stuff that costs money, do things for children that they can do for themselves, do not expect children to do chores, do not have good rules and let children run the family, parents are overindulging.”
As parents we do not like to admit that we are at fault when it comes to raising our children. We do not accept any criticism and let our ego come first. So how to raise children in an age of overindulgence? Typically overindulging manifests in three ways:
• Too much: Giving them too much of a good thing is the first sign of indulgence. From something as simple as allowing them to eat unlimited crisps while watching a cartoon show, unlimited computer or TV time, to shelling out the big bucks for your teen’s weekend activities which include birthday gifts, movies, and outing with friends, anything that is given more than its required leads to overindulgence.
• Over-nurture: Doing everything for them rarely has any benefits except to make them over-dependent and lazy. Parents end up giving too much and expecting too little from their children.
• Soft structure: Having little or no rules at home is a common sign of overindulgence. We often see four or five-year-old children not having basic manners or respect. Giving them experiences that are not age-appropriate, like letting your 13-year-old go sand-bashing or allowing your two-year-old to watch Teletubbies late into the night harms them. Neglecting to teach them basic life skills like tidying up their own rooms, basic cooking skills, doing their own laundry occasionally also leads to problems in later years. Overindulgence often meets the adult’s needs and not the child’s needs. If you notice we often give in to our child’s tantrums or nagging when we want some peace and quiet or we have some work or chores that need to be done without disturbance. We may console ourselves saying that it’s just this one time and that we won’t be doing it again. But most often it becomes a habit and a very bad one. Sadly, overindulging has far-reaching effects and it prevents our children from maturing and learning essential skills that are needed for reaching their potential.
Overindulged children are quite easy to spot:
• They generally believe that they are the centre of attention.
• They have a strong sense of entitlement and believe that their needs precede others’.
• These children are usually ungrateful and have little regard for their parents’ feelings.
• They have little or no life skills.
• Often they are irresponsible and believe they cannot be held accountable for their mistakes. • They are usually materialistic and want immediate gratification.
As parents what can we do?
Admit it: Well, first we need to admit that our parenting style is not exactly the best. We need to be unbiased to recognise an overindulged child in our family. This is the first step.
One step at a time: Rome wasn’t built in a day. So just because you have seen the light it doesn’t mean your children are going to change overnight. It takes time to break habits and behaviours that have taken hold for years. Tackle one problem at a time.
Be forgiving: Forgive yourself and your child for making mistakes. We are human and far from being perfect. There is no need to wallow in self-pity and despair just because you have messed up as a parent. It’s not too late.
Be assertive: This is probably a tough one, whether you have a two-year-old who gets her way by screaming or a teen who gets his way by being bad tempered and arrogant. Set behavioural expectations and stick by your guns.
Set a routine: For kids of all ages having a routine is essential. Set time limits for education, play, telly time and more. You may have to handle a few tantrums but stick to your routine.
Allocate a budget: It’s never too early to manage money. Let them learn its importance at a young age. For your teenager dole out a reasonable amount of pocket money every month and encourage them to save from it rather than spend it fully.
Appreciate: Children thrive on affection and appreciation. Yes, we understand that they need a firm hand especially when change is underfoot but it doesn’t mean you can’t be appreciative by simple gestures as clapping your hands and encouraging them when they stick to their routine or finish a chore without a meltdown. Shower your praises on them when they are good.
Family bonding: We all know and acknowledge the importance of family bonding. Spend less time on your smartphones and iPads and participate in family activities where everyone is mentally and physically involved. Invest in a few good board games or make outings interesting for all. Plan a barbecue and get your teen to help you out and make it fun by letting them grill a few kebabs or burgers. Or go to the beach and spend an hour with them splashing about in the waves. Be loving but at the same time firm too to teach them to be independent.
As Jill Rigby, author of Raising Unselfish Children in a Self-Absorbed World, says, ‘Kids don’t need parents who just make them happy. They need parents who will make them capable.’
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